Code of conduct

Every member agrees to this code when they join. It describes how brothers and sisters in Christ should treat one another while they hope to marry (Ephesians 4:1–3; 1 Thessalonians 4:3–7). Some of it is the plain command of Scripture. Some is wise practice for this meeting place, which members accept as the terms of joining, not as a law for anyone’s conscience (Confession 21.2). What it asks of elders who affirm members is at the end.

For members

Be truthful

• Say who you are. Be honest about your age, your church, whether you have never married, are widowed or are divorced, and whether you have children.
• Use recent, honest photographs of yourself alone.
• Be honest about your intentions. Isaac’s Well is for those who hope to marry.
• “Having put away falsehood, let each one of you speak the truth with his neighbor” (Ephesians 4:25).

Speak with grace

• “Let no corrupting talk come out of your mouths, but only such as is good for building up” (Ephesians 4:29).
• Write nothing you would be ashamed to say to their face.
• No crude or suggestive talk. No mocking or belittling anyone.

Keep yourself pure

• Never ask for or send immodest photographs, of any kind, for any reason.
• Keep conversation above reproach, “in all purity” (1 Timothy 5:2).
• Meet for the first time in a public place, and let family or a trusted friend know where you are. A woman may bring her father, a brother or a friend, and a godly man will welcome it.

Keep your word, and accept a no

• Let your “yes” be yes and your “no” be no (James 5:12). Mean what you say.
• “No” is a complete answer. It needs no explanation, and asks for none.
• When someone says no, or stops replying, do not press them, try again under another name or contact them anywhere else.
• You may block any member at any time, without a report or a reason. They are not told, and neither of you sees the other. Blocking or reporting never deletes or hides the conversation from you. You can still read it, download it and report it.
• If you are no longer interested, say so kindly and promptly. Do not leave someone guessing.

Guard each other’s privacy

• Do not share anyone’s messages, photographs or details outside Isaac’s Well without their permission, except to report harm to us, your elders or the authorities. You may download a copy of any conversation you are part of.
• Do not try to find someone’s contact details or address before they choose to give them.

Never ask for money

• No member should ever ask another for money, gifts or financial details. Report anyone who does, at once. Asking any member for money is grounds for pausing an account immediately.

Stay under your church’s care

• You remain under your own elders’ care. Seek their counsel, and your parents’, as you think wise (Proverbs 15:22).
• If you marry or leave your church, your membership in Isaac’s Well ends. Please tell us.
• If your elders withdraw their affirmation, your membership ends. If they simply have not renewed it yet, your profile is hidden until they do, and we email you at once. A delay in renewal is never counted against you (charter 5.4, 5.5).

When something is wrong

• Report anything that troubles you through the report button, or by writing to us. You will get an automatic reply, and we read every report within [two] days. Isaac’s Well is run by a few volunteers and is not an emergency service. If you are in danger, call 911.
• A report automatically blocks contact between you and the member you report. Before you send it, the form tells you: “They will stop seeing you at once, and if you report threats their messaging is paused at once. They may guess why. If you fear what they may do, call 911 or the National Domestic Violence Hotline (1-800-799-7233) first, and we will help you plan.”
• The woman director, or the woman who stands in for her, reads first any report made by a woman, or about a woman if you ask. The report form names them both, with their churches, so that you can choose.
• No one will be punished for an honest report. A report is a breach of this code only if it is shown to be knowingly false. A report that is not borne out is never, by itself, taken as a sign of malice.
• We will not name you, but in many cases the member you report will be able to tell who you are. We will talk with you before anything is put to them. Where what you reported would show who made it, you choose whether it is put to them.
• If you report harm, it is your choice whether your own elders are told.
• You will be told whether action was taken, and may ask the directors to review a decision to take none.

If the code is broken

• A member who is reported is told what was reported and may answer before anything is decided (Proverbs 18:17). Whatever Isaac’s Well acts on is put to them, without showing who reported.
• While a report is looked into, an account may be paused. That pause is not a finding, and it is never reported to elders.
• Depending on what happened, Isaac’s Well may warn a member, or pause or close their account. This is not church discipline (compare Confession 26.15), and it passes no judgment on anyone’s standing in Christ’s church.
• If, after hearing both sides, Isaac’s Well pauses or closes an account for misconduct, the person who reported is told first. Then the member’s elders are told the kind of conduct found and what was done, so that they can care for their member as they judge best. They are never told who reported it without that person’s written agreement (charter 9.7).
• A member whose account is closed may ask once for the directors to review it.
• Where a possible serious crime is reported, Isaac’s Well acts as charter 9.8 says, and always reports when a child may be at risk.

What we ask of elders who affirm members

• Affirm honestly. Affirm only members you know to be at least 18, legally unmarried, in good standing and free to marry. If you do not know a member well enough, say so. Do not affirm your own relative; another elder of your church does. If you are your church’s only elder, you may affirm your relative, and the chairman, or another director if the chairman is related, confirms the affirmation with you by telephone. If the member names a counselor, confirm the counselor’s name and relationship. Affirming takes one click. You may also add a short paragraph commending the member. Use only their first name, and do not name your church or town. They see it, and it shows on their profile only if they choose.
• Keep it current. Tell Isaac’s Well promptly when a member you affirmed is no longer in good standing. Renew your affirmations once a year. You will receive an email reminder to make this simple and easy.
• Use your access only to affirm. You will see only your own members’ applications, after accepting a short confidentiality undertaking. Please use that access for nothing else.
• Keep confidences. Whom your members are interested in is theirs to tell you, not ours. What you learn through Isaac’s Well is not for sharing (Proverbs 11:13).
• Leave the reporter alone. If we tell you of a finding about your member, do not try to identify or contact the person who reported, or their church. Anything you need goes through Isaac’s Well (charter 9.7).
• Good faith, not a guarantee. Your affirmation is pastoral care given in good faith. It does not make you, your church, RBNet or FIRE a party to the terms of use, or a guarantor of anyone (charter 4.7).
• Your care continues. Isaac’s Well is only a meeting place. Your counsel, care and prayer for your members go on as before.